We all have troubles, difficulties and rough seasons. It is normal. Part of life.
This also applies to people, situations and contexts.
In our working memories there is the inevitable bad boss -or several-. And the oppressive colleague. Bully schoolmate. Ugly neighbor. Even at a familiar level we can have that aunt that we don’t want to see in christmas.
Since we were kids, we are taught to cope with it. Be strong and deal with it. And if we were the best students ever, we deeply root that behavior in our character.
At least that happened to me and took me too many times into bad places. No, I should correct myself. It KEPT me into bad places.
So what is tolerance?
Tolerance is the mental mechanism that allows us to keep on going and doing our life, even in the face of adversity.
So beyond the common use of accepting behaviors and beliefs that are different for ours, it is in essence the ability to deal with something unpleasant or annoying
It is putting your mind to be more powerful than that context, person or trouble. It helps us not to fall apart, or reacting badly: yelling, fighting, misbehaving. It somehow serves as a tool for keeping society together.
You can argue that tolerance is one of the superpowers that consciousness brings to we humans. Survival without fighting or getting hurt. Dealing with the alpha wolf instead of getting biten.
Would you agree that being tolerant is good? I do. (with the limit of respect, integrity and safety of course)
But what nobody teached us is that tolerance is also a very powerful energy drainer.
That’s why it is is a SHORT TERM mechanism.
The intrinsic issue with toleration is that it is not sustainable in the long term.
It is not sustainable because it is a very passive mechanism and it is not actively driving you to a long term solution (and remember: the sustained energy drain eventually affects your mind, body or relations)
That’s why tolerance should always have a limit.
We can cope with difficulties as long we can see a possible solution, a duration, a condition. If there is not , we are responsible for creating a way out, for our own wellbeing, but also as a way of igniting a bigger change.
So what should we do?
Here are some good practices on turning tolerance into an active, conscious and positive mechanism.
Learn how to optimize your tolerance. Do this BEFORE you even need to be tolerant.
Set up clear boundaries or timeframes.
Be aware of the situation and try to define a possible ending scenario. Will it end naturally? Is there something to be done? Most of all, try to define how long are you willing to cope with it, and mark a ending date. That in itself will be both a relief and reduce the amount of energy dedicated.
Don’t get confused between tolerance and patience.
Patience will imply dealing with time but not actually changing anything. A fundamental element of tolerance is clearly defining arguments and putting upfront what don’t share but can accept.
Speak up
There are situations where silence is the main reason that allows the uncomfortable situation. Speaking up will put the topic on stage and opens change.
Dedicate time to find a sustainable solution
When we put something of our own to find a solution it puts us closer to changing it but moreover, it channels our energy into action. This will also force the person or the context to engage in a possible midpoint. And if that’s not the case, now we can use that clarity to move on to a solution that goes in the direction we need.
Take action
I’d say this is a tough one. Putting something to an end requires courage and energy, but in the long run it may be worth for the greater good.
We all had doubts leaving a job, changing a career, ending a marriage. But we need to steer our lives towards what serves our vision and what is good and healthy.
Reward yourself after overcoming the situation.
Whatever you decide, please be good with yourself. Be proud of taking action. Of standing up. Change happens when we ignite it.